Spreading The Love Around?

The first month after we came home with Levi and Amelia I noticed that our other children were very receptive to their needs and trying to help out more to get them settled into our family.

At about the four week mark something changed.

I don't think I noticed it like I should have.

The older kids were feeling neglected.

All of my time was being taken up with caring for Levi, Amelia and Paige.  Paige demands attention so their was no way she was being left off this train.

Our oldest son went to most of his baseball games this season alone.  Dave was busy with Levi and Garrett's teams and I wasn't comfortable taking the kids out yet to large group gatherings.  I explained to him that this would pass after a few months and then things would get back to normal.

I thought all was fine.  Afterall, through out this childs 18 years of life I had only missed a handful of games.  His Dad or I were almost always at his games.

I guess this was the  problem.  He felt as if he had been replaced.

He made some comments to me about not being important anymore and I knew he was feeling the effects of this huge change in our lives.  My heart hurt because, of course, he was still very very important to us.

Garrett also needed more hugs and reassurance.  He would ask me if he could sit next to me, a spot that Levi usually demanded.  He was also feeling a little neglected and acting out in ways that were really not appropriate.

Even our beautiful 14 year old daughter had moments of jealousy, wanting to know why she had to share me all the time now with someone else?  She always had, but I guess it was different in her mind.

Now I don't want you to think that the kids were being selfish or braty all the time.  They weren't.  Just honest.

They love their new siblings and are very warm and affectionate with them.  I just don't think they understood how much of my time I would have to devote to the other children when they were first home with us.

I wish I had thought about this part more.  Prepared the children better for what was to come.

I think our transition has been almost perfect.  An answer to prayer.

However, I failed my older kids during this time.  They were feeling left out.  What could I have done differently?  I love all of our children so much and my heart hurts knowing they were in pain and not feeling like they could really share that with me.

I have seen a change in Garrett since I have been taking him with me as my special helper to the store and a few other places.  I have given him extra cuddle time and made sure to ask him about his day, etc.  So simple, yet unfortunately, overlooked.

Last night Tyler and I (he also showed some signs of feeling left out, telling me at one time I didn't love him anymore) went to Zach's last baseball game of the season.  It was about 30 minutes away and ended up being a double header.  We didn't get home until 11:00 p.m., but we had some great conversations.  We all laughed and joked around.  Definitely what the doctor ordered.

If I had it to do over again I would purposefully set time aside each day for the older kids.  I really thought they were fine.  I missed a lot of signs that they were not.

I guess this is just a reminder that no matter how old our kids get they still really need their Mom and Dad, no matter how much they protest that they don't.

Over the last few weeks things have really settled down at our house.  We are a family of 9 and truly do care about each other.  I have tried to make it clear that no one person is more important than another. I no longer allow Levi to monopolize all of my time.  I was doing something with Garrett and he kept interupting.  I told him to go and sit on the time out stool because I had told him I needed a few minutes with Garrett and that his turn was next.  He wasn't happy but Garrett got a big smile on his face and gave me a hug, happy to know again that he was important too.

As a result of this they don't seem to mind the extra time I have to spend with Levi on school and they all are getting along better.  Not so much pety squabling.  So simple, yet over looked by this clueless mom for a time.

Have any of you run into this situation with siblings?  What have you done to make all of your children feel special and loved?  I'm wondering how many of you who brought home older children ran into this situation?  It doesn't seem to happen as much with babies.  Though I think they are all tired of Amelia pulling their hair for fun:)